Turning Tension into Triumph: Techniques for Tough Conversations

Introduction

I dreaded interacting with Lagbaja¹ – the slightest slip could trigger undesirable consequences. So I tiptoed around eggshells – carefully choosing the right words, time, and place to avoid exhausting misunderstandings. At other times, I was Lagbaja, lashing out emotionally and letting my monkey brain take over.

Those situations usually left me feeling deflated and resentful, and I would spend hours contemplating the outcomes. Over the years, I started to extract patterns, recognize my triggers, and get ahead of less desirable outcomes.

This article distills some of these lessons into reusable playbooks for tense situations and is for everyone trying to improve their conflict resolution skills.

Leading through Tense Engagements

We often encounter difficult colleagues who make us feel uncomfortable. We dread having meetings because we can’t predict our colleagues’ reactions. Despite efforts to handle conversations with care, things keep spiraling into chaos. This puts us between a rock and a hard place – we agonize about engaging with these peers and letting issues fester.

As a leader, it’s your responsibility to engage with everyone. Psychological safety is not about shying away from tough conversations. Rather, it’s about having the courage and skills to engage in such discussions. You need to create an environment that encourages open communication and difficult dialogues. By doing so, you can identify blind spots and work together to achieve a better outcome.

Principles for healthier outcomes

Know yourself 

“There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know oneself.“

Benjamin Franklin

Understanding your personality will help you recognize when you’re acting irrationally. Often, we act in unpredictable ways because we want to save face. A true understanding of yourself empowers you to overcome the most challenging aspect of difficult conversations: staying in control of your emotions.

Start by reflecting on challenging situations where you fell short – we all have multiple examples of those situations. A hard look in the mirror can be uncomfortable, but it is worth the effort. Be honest with yourself; what triggered that reaction? 

You come out of this exercise knowing the answers to these questions: 

1. What are your triggers? 
2. What are your strengths and weaknesses? 
3. Are you fight-or-flight under stress?²
4. When are you at your best and vice versa?
5. What values are you trying to protect?

Hint: The SCARF model is handy for figuring out triggers.

Know your partner

Empathize by putting yourself in their shoes.

1. What is the trigger?
2. Do they have personal events happening in their life at that time?
3. Consider using the SCARF model to align on a vocabulary to describe triggers, e.g., “I think fairness is your trigger”
4. Figure out their reactions under stress or in such situations. Are they fight or flight?
   1. Fight: They’ll lash out, e.g., making generic accusations
   2. Flight: They’ll zone out, e.g., not say a word

Once you understand your partner, it’s easier to move them out of the spontaneous fight-or-flight reaction towards collaborative solutions.

Tips for difficult conversations

Listen Actively

Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Stephen R Covey

Understand the other person’s perspective before expressing your thoughts. Disagreements often arise when both parties try to logically explain something inherently emotional, causing them to talk over each other.

Tip: rephrase their words in your own words to clarify that there are no missing gaps.

Eschew “winner-takes-all” clashes

You don’t want to be that person who is ‘always’ right and wins all arguments at all costs.

Such a reputation leads to unhealthy tension, antagonism, and hostility.

If you think of conquering your colleagues with faultless logic, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Eventually, people will get tired of you and leave. 

Tip: Forcing others to agree means you’ve already lost. You might as well have them parrot your words and award yourself the debate champion trophy.

Remember how you make people feel

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel

Maya Angelou

No matter how perfect your logic is or how sound your arguments are, if you end up making people feel terrible, then that is absolutely on you. In a disagreement, at least one of the involved parties must take the high road. Usually, the onus falls on the more senior person since they’re held to a higher standard due to the power dynamics. Thus, making the other party feel heard is essential, even if you disagree or they upset you.

Tip: You are not obligated to agree to or react to everything you hear.

Before the TOUGH conversation

1. Separate the person from the situation: When you feel slighted, it’s essential to recognize that it’s not about the person but someone trying to process a challenging situation and that this will eventually pass. It is highly unlikely that someone will dress up, eat breakfast, and drive to work to spite you. While it is normal to feel unfairly attacked when you hear something upsetting, know that nearly everyone lashes out under stress, and thus, it helps to give some grace. Frame it as a joint working session to debug a tricky situation.
2. Don’t react: It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and have difficult conversations. So, if someone is brave enough to come to share their thoughts, defending yourself, pointing out gaps, or arguing might make them shut down or ignore you in the future. It’s better to listen carefully, understand their perspective, and make them feel heard. Even if you have valid reasons for your actions, it might not be the best time to share them.
3. Be open-minded: Sometimes, good intentions have unintended consequences and there is a good chance that you’ve contributed to the situation regardless of how ‘right‘ you think you are or how ‘noble‘ your intentions are. You should take responsibility for your mistakes. No one is infallible; owning up makes you a better leader.
4. Define outcomes: Narrow down the concerns to the most critical item and focus solely on it. It’s imperative to eliminate non-critical items to ensure the primary topic receives the required attention. If there are additional topics, consider scheduling follow-up discussions for those. This clarity will also enable you to establish boundaries on when to walk away and reschedule.

During the TOUGH conversation

Maintaining the delicate balance between the necessary safety for difficult discussions and working through the discomfort is the most challenging part of these conversations. It is a fragile balance since the slightest misstep can cause either party to flare up or clam up.

You risk causing irreparable damage if you end up in a shouting match. Here are some tips for maintaining the balance and persuading folks to talk through the discomfort and stay through it.

1. Set the stage: Initiate the conversation by acknowledging its significance and showing your willingness to partner. Both of you must commit to tackling a challenging matter together. Through the conversation, it helps to repeatedly acknowledge that such discussions can be difficult and recommit to safely discussing the challenging aspects together. This approach can prevent the conversation from being cut short prematurely and ensure that both parties work towards a constructive resolution.
2. Establish ground rules: It helps to establish mutually agreed-upon ground rules, such as acting in good faith, prioritizing a positive outcome, and not holding back.
3. Give space: It is perfectly normal to experience an uncomfortable silence, especially after asking a challenging question. You don’t have to say anything; it’s better to let the awkward silence linger because the other person is likely processing the situation. If you sense emotions escalating, ease the tension by naming the sentiment. For instance, you could say, “I think you’re feeling triggered because of XYZ, and I want to work with you through it.” This works because it forces the brain to process the feeling logically and frames the situation as both of you working together on a problem.
4. Lean into vulnerable authenticity: Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness but an effective way to build empathy and connect with others. Embrace your vulnerabilities and face them head-on, even if this means confronting a reflection of yourself that you don’t like. If you make a mistake, apologize sincerely and try to improve in the future.

After the TOUGH conversation

The greatest illusion with communication is thinking it has taken place.

George Bernard Shaw

Act

Whether it takes one meeting or multiple, you should eventually reach a stage where you reach some joint agreement. Actions speak louder than words, so following through is a great way to demonstrate your commitment. Failing to do so may make you appear disingenuous, undermining any progress you’ve made. 

Reflect

Take the opportunity to learn from any missteps and celebrate successes. This introspection will allow you to identify ways to improve future interactions and deepen your understanding of yourself and your colleagues.

Conclusion

Conflicts are bound to happen as we engage with others. We can’t even avoid conflicts with our emotions, let alone with others. Therefore, playbooks are essential to manage situations and work towards outcomes that benefit everyone.

It took me years to learn these lessons, but I share them with you in the hopes that you can learn from my experience and accelerate your journey. These tips will assist you in enhancing your communication and relationship skills. Every challenging situation is an occasion to refine your conflict resolution capabilities and develop your techniques.

Please share your favorite resolution methods in the comments.

FAQ

Nothing seems to work

Sometimes, you may encounter situations where you need to make a decision about a team member. If you repeatedly clash with a team member, consider finding a new team for them. Similarly, if you are noticing severe performance issues, consider letting them go. Ignoring these issues can lead to long-lasting negative implications.

How should I defend myself from baseless accusations?

Stinging remarks like “You always want things your way” or “You never listen to me” usually stem from pent-up emotions. Responding instinctively with reasons is typically ineffective since it only leads to a “you said, I said” imbroglio.

Start by asking open-ended questions like “why do you say that?”, “Please give me specific examples so I can learn more”, or “What would you like to see?”. These questions help them to work through their feelings. Afterward, provide specific examples to refute the general allegations. For instance, “we disagreed during the meeting on Wednesday due to XYZ, but other than that, I have always considered and followed your suggestions and advice in scenarios a, b, and c”.

This framing resets the anchor, and even if they disagree with you in the heat of the moment, they’ll eventually reflect on this.

What if I lose control?

1. Take a break: Agree to reconvene at a later time to discuss.
2. Find the truth: Search for the hidden kernel of truth in the situation; what triggered you? Use this insight to improve your leadership skills.
3. Accept your imperfections: making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human. Own it, apologize, and move on.

1. This is the Yoruba form of “Jane Doe” or “John Doe” ↩︎
2. Fight or Flight? ↩︎